Friday, April 16, 2010

My Quotable Peeps

For your enjoyment, dear readers, I thought I'd post a few memorable phrases pulled from various text messages, comments, e-mails, and conversations I've had with assorted friends, relatives, and assholes. This list will be updated periodically, so keep checking back. Say something clever and you might just get mentioned.

(1) "Don't worry my bro...I will definitely bring a raincoat or 2 with me..I'm not stupid, as is proven by the fact that I've lived with 8 different strippers and still have no stds at all...never even got any of the lil ones that penicilin gets rid of..nothin...I'm nothing at all if I'm not protective of my junk." - Jeff DeLapp on personal responsibility

(2) "Other than shitty English, it's the best paper I've read so far." - Matt A. describes a paper turned in by one of his students

(3) "This poor black man spent his life in poverty in a segregated society where he wasn't allowed to own property and vote, and you can't even honor his one artistic outlet 'cause you have to teach overachievers basic sentence structure. I am ashamed to be your friend." - Keith S., upset with me because I wouldn't take a day off from work to join him at the Skip James blues marker ceremony in Yazoo City

(4) "Ignorance is bliss, and I like not knowing the amount of death I'm ingesting every time I hit the drive thru...Instead of being sued, McDonald's needs to be charged with possession and distribution, and conspiracy to enlarge the American population." - Ashley Brown expounds on her fast food addiction

(5) "I wasn't expecting that one. I thought it was a bell pepper kind of text, and damned if you didn't switch them out with jalapenos!" - Ian Brown compliments me on my cleverness

(6) "Yesterday I had the pleasure of sitting next to someone who sounded like they passed a penguin. Lots of water movement followed by violent fumes. I should have waited outside and snapped a photo." - Ian Brown describes the joy of using a public restroom

(7) "I made u open ur phone 4 nothing. It's great having ur ass in check. Who's my bitch? UR my bitch!" - text message from Jared Rogers

(8) "It doesn't deserve to be a planet." - Tara Rhoads offers a simple explanation for why Pluto is no longer considered a planet

(9) "She's one of those boring people who try to pretend they're not boring." - Kid Sister Jen explains her reason for not liking someone

(10) "It's just, you know, he's gonna want to come in here, and he's gonna want to talk. And it's so embarrassing, because he doesn't know what he's talking about...And I'm not gonna be here, so he's gonna be ALLOWED to talk. That's my concern." - Mom, trying to persuade me that I shouldn't have company over at my parents' house when she's not there to supervise my dad

(11) "My chicken nugget experience is ruined." - Bryce ("Mister Kid Sister") details an altercation he had with a crotchety old McDonald's employee who tried to prevent him from getting a McDonald's balloon

(12) "Those bitches need to realize that they are there to work, not for a therapy session." - Ashley Brown on Hooters waitresses who want to bother customers with details about their personal lives

(13) "The just seems pointless." - Katrina Moody in answer to the question "What animal would you like to see go extinct?"

(14) "I grew up. I am no longer on MySpace or Facebook. You should blog an ode to my virtual demise." - Jen explains why she mysteriously disappeared from my Friends list.

(15) "Point Break is on cable. Patrick Swayze is not a pussy." - Keith S. turns off the presidential debates and starts watching Point Break after John McCain refuses to hit Barack Obama with any hard questioning

(16) "Oh don't even waste your breath. We won't even have to say 'Mirror Mirror on the wall.' It will just start yelling when we walk in the room." - Ashley Brown discusses how attractive she and I will be when we form a radical third party, put on our uniforms, and take over the world

(17) "What a thug...With a name like Chaps he was destined for low-hanging balls." - Mary Ashley "Edie" Drabman shares a few words about Chaps, the extremely well-endowed yorkie terrier who lives in my parents' neighborhood

(18) "Were you playing with yourself?" - Tina Stribling's immediate response after I told her that I'd just been thinking about her.

(19) "No, bitch. This means you are so goin' down. Tonight." - Chloe Bertrand explains how she wants me to repay her for agreeing to pick up one of my shifts at work. (She later backed out of this agreement, by the way, which leads me to believe this should now be the other way around.)

(20) "This silly ass phone chooses different words all the time, like it spent 4 years at a university." - Ian Brown is not happy with his phone's Auto-Fill function

(21) "Mind control over bombs...And those boots! Hot like cayenne!" - Angie Lee answers the question "Who would you pick to win a fight between al-Queda and the Nazi SS?" by complimenting the flair and fashion of Fascism

(22) "Ok. I'm here for you 100% but I can't do this. I'm really feeling bad. My stomach is hurting terribly...I'm sorry." - Ashley Brown decides she doesn't want to partner up with me for the Fat Smash Diet (sounds like she's dumping me, doesn't it? hehe)

(23) "Well, I was gonna take 20 dollars out of my wallet and wipe my ass with it today, but this was just as good." - Me, bitching at Keith for talking me into going to the Ole Miss/USM basketball game where Ole Miss got their asses handed to them

(24) "Did you read the Times article about the McRib?" - Warren Brandon aks the most random question I've been asked so far this year

(25) "Man, this global warming shit is COLD." - Jared Rogers comments on the cold fronts that recently swept the U.S., casting serious doubts on the whole global warming thing

(26) "Ask your mom. She knows my e-mail. I mean, she KNOWS my e-mail." - Dane Ball responds to my inquiry about his email address with a good old fashioned "ask your mom"

(27) "Don't you push me, you death peddler." - Matthew Collins says no to drugs

(28) "It's your patriotic duty to take the money and spend it. Doing so is the only way to effectively prove that the stimulus plan won't work. We all KNOW it won't work, so spend the money and PROVE that it won't...If you continue to have moral dilemmas, endorse your check to me and mail it. Titty bar here I come!" - Keith S. responds to a question I texted to all my Republican/Libertarian friends: "Am I hypocrite if I take the stimulus (welfare) money?"

(29) "I was having a difficult time bridging the two together yesterday, but in the end, as is so often the case with my life, I just accepted it as face value while simultaneously attempting to break my record for stuffing three Cadbury Cream Eggs (TM) in my mouth at once." - Ian Brown admits that he's given up on trying to find any connection between Jesus' resurrection and the Easter bunny

(30) "I'm with my cousin David at a UFC fight. The Russian fighter just got his ass beat by the local Rocky 4, but more real." - text from Keith S.

(31) "He could have said, War and Peace was better than any of that Mark Twain bullshit.' That prompted the local boy to say, 'Oh no you didn't! You ain't talking shit about American classics on my watch, Commie!" - Keith hypothesizes about what the American and Russian fighters were saying to one another when they talked shit before their UFC bout

(32) "Did like 573 Planks in Yoga, and every time I thought, 'Son of a bitch!'" - a text from Cryssie describing the pain involved with staying in shape

(33) "I just saw a woman use an EBT card which she pulled out of a $350 purse. Looking forward to paying taxes?" - Warren Brandon is the angry working-class American

(34) "My preacher made a list of ways we can be better stewards of our environment...He got an e-mail." - Warren Brandon's not buying environmental hysteria from ANYBODY.

(35) "Cash the check before Obama does a stop payment." - Ryan Jackson offers his advice on what to do with a stimulus check

(36) "Well, at least we know it can't be her. Judging from her quality of work, we're pretty sure she's illiterate. Unless this shoplifter is swiping children's reading aides." - Kid Sister Jen is fairly certain that the B&N shoplifter is not a girl we used to work with, despite their physical similarities

(37) "Make sure you don't forget that today is Earth Day. And in Earth Day's honor, make sure you do your part and remember one of the greatest resources our planet has ever given us - a resource that has singlehandedly improved our country's standard of living...fossil fuels! That's right; I said it. In honor of Earth Day, I'm going to fill up my gas tank and drive the longer, less fuel efficient route. What are you doing to honor our planet today?" -- like I said, Warren Brandon isn't buying environmentalism from ANYBODY

(38) "Congrats! I never doubted you would:) Big relief, though. I know." - Katrina Moody offers a nice vote of confidence as she compliments me on passing my Masters comps

(39) "Goddamn NPR. I swear the story said it was today." - Wendy "Ex-Fiance'" Bell explains why she was a day late wishing me a happy Bloomsday

(40) "NO!! Don't convert! Stand strong! Global warming is a hoax! FOR SPARTA!! RAWR!!" - Jared Rogers encourages me ("300" style) to stay on the Right side of the issues after my comment that it was so hot in New Orleans I was starting to believe in global warming

(41) "Did you see the video of Obama one-hopping the first pitch at the All Star Game? He literally throws like a girl." - Warren Brandon isn't impressed with Obama's skills on the pitcher's mound

(42) "I could use a Snuggie right now." - Rachael Merritt

(43) "Okay, that is so 10 years ago. But yes, we can fly, do kung fu, and break dance...and you forgot cooking with rice, bowing, and making small economical cars." - Rachael Merritt lists everything she and her fellow Asians are good at. (This was in response to a sarcastic text I sent her that said "I just watched Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I always knew Asians were smart, but I didn't know y'all could FLY too!")

(44) "Oh I get it. You must be embarrassed of me. Your friend must be a flaming lib socialist and you don't want them to meet your 'crazy uncle.' That's cool. I see how it is." - Warren Brandon, getting a little defensive when he finds out that I stopped in Jackson to meet with some friends and failed to invite him along

(45) "I don't fart in front of people I date. I did once, but it was an accident." - Marta Dees explains where she draws the lines of intimacy and personal space

(46) "Am I total bitch if, when I see a fat person at the gym, I turn up the incline and speed on the treadmill?" - Mary Ashley "Edie" Drabman asks a question that answers itself

(47) "Thanks everybody! 23 is gonna be a great year!" - Giuliano thanks everyone for sending him their best for his (ahem, 31st) birthday

(48) "Well, I didn't want anyone to find out. I told that bitch not to use my real name in public. I just hope Rebecca hasn't found out yet." - Nat Bomar's response after I told him that Miss America 2010 is from Georgia and has a boyfriend named Nat (Nat is from Georgia). I'd asked him why he hadn't told me he was dating her. This was his answer.

(49) "I have to wonder if this teacher ever taught As I Lay Dying from the 'Oh baby, shoot that load of hot nasty cum on my face' lens!" - Keith S. responds to a rumor that an English teacher in Biloxi was once an adult film star. It's a rare person who can combine potty humor with literary theory in this way.

(50) "That's very judgmental of you, just assuming Presley did it. Did you see her? Were there witnesses? Maybe YOU did it just to get her in trouble." - Keith S. defending his dog after I bitched about her peeing on the kitchen floor

(51) "Until Obama rises again." - Rachael Merritt answers my question about how long the congressional Easter break will last

(52) "No lie, I'm sitting behind an SUV and the license plate reads 'SOBLESD'!" - Lindsey Brown texts me while sitting in traffic. (We frequently tag the words "So blessed!" at the end of our texts to imitate friends on Facebook who get religious every time something good happens in their lives.)

(53) "Lindsey Brown is thoroughly convinced that if she sees one more middle-aged man wearing a blinged-out Affliction shirt today she will have to become a cutter." - Lindsey Brown, texting (Facebook-style once again) to comment on current unfortunate fashion trends

(54) "And I doubt very seriously that they have names like South Beach Snickers Rush, Atkins Oreo Avalanche, or Weight Watchers Wonderfudge." - Ian Brown's commentary on the 4 new flavors of Ben & Jerry's ice cream

(55) "I gain weight whenever I start cardio. It's your muscles retaining water. In a few days you will pee all day long and lose like 3 lbs." - Mary Ashley "Edie" Drabman gives me her version of nutrition counseling and diet encouragement

(56) "When you look up and you see that sexy raven-haired beauty riding your junk all the way home, you'll be glad you didn't." - Chloe Bertrand gives me HER version of nutrition counseling and diet encouragement, explaining in vivid detail why I shouldn't give in to the temptations of ice cream

(57) "One of my friends' new status is 'Courtney is so blessed.' Holy Jesus." - Lindsey Brown, again with the "so blessed" thing

(58) "Damn. Only one of my infamous 'your mom' quotes made the list? I better get to work. On your mom." - Dane Ball, just keeping it real

(59) "I'll pick you up in 5. Don't make me wait." - Keith S. has the patience of a saint

(60) "I'm reading Cum Sluts 23. Almost to the climax. Cable guy just stopped by to 'check the box.'" - Dane Ball answers the question "What are you reading right now?"

(61) "Ever consider being a life coach? That was a great answer." - Ian Brown is happy with my relationship advice

(62) "I just looked in the living room and there is this dog that totally looks like Presley." - Keith S. pokes fun at me for forgetting to let his dog in before I left for work one day. (I saw her when I was driving out of the driveway and absentmindedly said to myself, "Hey, that dog looks just like Presley.")

(63) "Phrase I hate: 'He/she is book-smart, but not street-smart like me.' Which means: 'He/she is smarter than I am, and I need some way to feel better about myself.'" - Rachael Merritt

(64) "What does that even really mean? That you have crystals and meditation books in your house?" - Rachael Merritt weighs in on the phrase "I'm not religious; I'm more spiritual."

(65) "J, my life wouldn't be complete without you." - Lauren "L.J." Johnson shows some love

(66) "If you ever think something might be a trail, but aren't probably isn't." - a hiking tip from Rachael Merritt

(67) "Maybe a drunken safari, but a motherfuckin' safari nonetheless! Hell yeah! I sense a photo op in our future." - Cryssie is excited about going exploring in our new safari hats

(68) "Please make sure they know I DO NOT want her euthanized." - Keith's instructions for when I brought Presley to the pet doctor. The people at the animal hospital didn't share my sense of humor.

(69) "That's okay. I'm not trying to be the best at being a chauffeur." - Matt Banderman channels Kenny Powers as he tells me he can't come pick me up at the Memphis airport

(70) "There is a PA system at the VA/National Cemetery. I don't know if it's like this as Keesler too, but they make announcements every 10 minutes saying, 'This is a test of the giant voice system.' It went off during the funeral three times...Giant disembodied voices are a little disconcerting at a funeral." - Rachael Merritt discusses the technical difficulties at her father's military funeral

(71) "I was waiting till your guilt took over." - Chloe Bertrand explaining why she didn't call me on Father's Day

(72) "And I thought the flamingo was the pinnacle. Pegasus could annihilate 10 flamingos!" - Ian Brown, excited to hear about the Pegasus lawn art I spotted just south of Jackson

(73) "The only people that should legally be allowed to cover Marc Cohn's 'Walking in Memphis' are piano bar musicians in the greater Memphis area." - Matt Banderman speaks the truth

(74) "It ended their career. Not one hit song after that release. They have sucked since they kicked John Rich out of the band for 'being too country.' He went on to start Big & Rich and now wipes his ass with Benjamins while telling his former band members to lick his Rich ass." - Keith's two cents about Lonestar and their crappy cover of "Walking in Memphis"

(75) "So here is the interview question...Can you relate the book Great Expectations to the 4-3 defense? And Faulkner was the first one to fully explain what a personal foul is. Granted, he used a corncob pipe to illustrate." - Matt Banderman comments on the kinds of things I'll be discussing if I'm hired as an English tutor for the Ole Miss Athletics Department

(76) "You should have to pass a test before you are allowed to use the self-checkout line." - Rachael Merritt is just having one of those days at the grocery store

(77) "I wonder if they'd finally just kick us out. If we're not cellmates, Lockup (the show) has taught me how to communicate between different cells." - Cryssie wonders what it would be like if we were incarcerated at the same prison

(78) "Oh, I do miss you." - Tina Stribling (i.e. my favorite mistake) says my favorite words

(79) "Snow White and I actually have a lot of shit in common. We are both short, look a lot alike, hang out with mostly dudes, and have evil stepmothers. I, however, don't take dubious fruit from strangers. Bitch had it coming in my opinion." - Shaunna Sauls owns property on that fine line between fairytales and reality


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