So Dark the Con of Dan

"So, J...what do you think of The Da Vinci Code?"

If I had a dollar for every time I've been asked this question in the past month, dear readers, I'm sure I'd have at least a coupla hundred bucks. Yes, "What do you think of The Da Vinci Code?" It's a question I'm sure a lot of Catholics are getting these days, but even moreso if they're known to be avid readers and/or writers. (I can't imagine what kinds of questions Giuliano must be fielding!) When people come to me with this question, they typically want to know two things: (1) am I offended by it, and (2) do I think it's good on a literary level. Speaking strictly for myself, the answer to both of those questions is no.

The Da Vinci Code has some fun and interesting ideas (for example, you'll be hard-pressed to ever look at da Vinci's Last Supper the same way once you're familiar with "the code.") But, once you get past the suggestion that there are hidden symbols all around us, you're left with the amazing realization that the story isn't really all that well-written. Every character within its pages is the kind of character you've seen a thousand times before: the headstrong female detective, the squeamish academic, the bumbling cops, the convenient rich friend with all sorts of high-tech gadgetry...It's all very stock. And all of them - all of them - think in only the most simple terms about the most cliche'd things:

I must find out the truth about my family.
I must protect God's church.
I must find out who's behind all this.

Imagine Scooby-Doo and the Gang investigating the secrets of the Vatican and you've pretty much got The Da Vinci Code.

I might be a little biased on this, of course, seeing as how I've been a pretentious English major for the better part of a decade. Everything I've read in recent memory, you see, has been written by the giants of literature - Shakespeare, Joyce, Faulkner, T.S. Eliot, Chaucer, Hemingway, etc. To read something like The Da Vinci Code - a popular contemporary novel written for a wide audience - was really a shock to the system. Still, even a casual reader is bound to notice the story's glaring imperfections.

The movie makes them even more obvious, and if you see it, you'll know what I'm talking about. Typical of Hollywood movies, The Da Vinci Code changes key events and connections in the story for no discernible reason. And instead of talking like normal people, the characters give long, unnatural explanations of the events going on around them. Dialogue typical of The Da Vinci Code might include: "This hat is the symbol for the Pillsbury Doughboy - an icon for an American bakery founded in 1937, near the end of the Great Depression. Originally, the Pillsbury Doughboy (or simply "Doughboy" as he was known) symbolized only biscuits, but as time went on he came to represent any number of different baked treats offered by the bakery I mentioned earlier." Even great actors like Tom Hanks and Audrey Tautou (she was BRILLIANT in Amelie) can't really do anything with the flat dialogue they've been given to work with. (Oddly enough, I saw Tom Hanks on Inside Edition before I saw the movie, and I'm totally serious, he didn't seem very excited when discussing it. I guess he could see what a trainwreck the whole thing was.)

What's worse is that the movie goes so far out of its way to not offend Catholics that it ends up making the story's boldest assertions seem kind of tame. In the book, after all, wildly anti-Catholic (or at least anti-Vatican) accusations are just sort of haphazardly thrown around as if they're well-known facts. In the movie, they're instantly disputed. The movie also corrects the number of people killed during the Church's witch hunts, which were unbelievably exaggerated in the book.

The way I see it, though, it's actually more offensive for the movie to make these changes, because it suggests that Catholics might not be able to handle a little Vatican-inspired fiction - as if Catholics are the types to riot in the streets and burn down movie theaters for showing The Da Vinci Code. (If you want that kind of reaction to a religious movie, try making a film version of Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses.) I mean, really, if you're gonna make a movie based on a controversial book, then damn it, go all-out and make a controversial movie. Just throw it out there, you know? I don't know. I was disappointed.

The only real joy I've gotten out of The Da Vinci Code is the joy that comes with pretending that it really does hold some deep-dark Catholic secrets. Sometimes when people ask me, "So, J, what do you think of The Da Vinci Code?" I get this really serious, almost frightened look and say, "I'm not supposed to talk about that," or "Let us not speak of these things. We know not who may be listening." It's so much fun to watch people spin conspiracy theories out of stuff they don't even begin to understand.

Sadly enough, this is actually the second time I've been burned by a movie this month. The first time was with Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.


I know I'm a little late jumping on this particular bandwagon, but I finally went ahead and read it at the beginning of the month and then watched the movie for the first time last Friday. The book, I must say, was brilliant. It never lagged, it said what it needed to say, and it was consistently intriguing. The movie, on the other hand, made me quote one of my favorite lines from Blazing Saddles: "Now hold it, hold it! What the hell is that shit?" Honestly, the movie had nothing to do with the book. They were like two different stories. And even if I hadn't read the book, I'd still say the movie sucked. (Why is it, I wonder, that film studios never seem to be able to tell a simple story without tearing apart the source material?)

Anyway, I'm doing a lot of reading these days (as you can see), and since you're taking the time to read this, dear readers, I think you might be the best ones to tell my big bright idea to...

J's Big Bright Idea

When I was growing up, my hometown library used to host Summer Reading Club. The idea, basically, was that you'd check out a bunch of books from the library, and then for every one you completed, you got a star next to your name on this big poster board. At the end of the summer, whoever had the most stars won something (it must not have been a very good prize, because I don't remember what it was.) But anyway, now that summer is upon us I'd like to start a Summer Reading Club amongst my friends. Nothing elaborate, just some kind of online bulletin board where we can post our thoughts on whatever we happen to be reading. There may not be stars. There may not be prizes. But, it would be nice just to have a forum to share thoughts and book suggestions.

Let me know what you think and we'll see what we can't get started. 'Til then I hope everyone is well and I send much love to everyone who remembered my birthday today. Thank you.