Monday, May 30, 2005

The 2005 Happy J Day Awards Ceremony

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the 1st Annual J-Day Awards Ceremony. I am your host, J.Wiltz, and tonight is the night when I will bestow various awards upon my friends and family members for the roles they've played in making my 26th birthday celebration (i.e. "J" Day) memorable. I don't want to waste any time, so let's jump right on in there, beginning with...

This year's award for SENDING THE LAMEST E-CARD goes to my uncle, JIMMY LAMAS, for the inexcusably shitty card he sent from 123 Greetings on Wednesday morning. When I clicked on the link to read this particular card, a bunch of letters (as in letters from the alphabet) appeared onscreen playing guitars, drums, etc. At the end of their little song, the letters were arranged to spell "Happy Birthday" and a message saying "Hope Your Birthday ROCKS" materialized beneath them. Pathetic.

The 2005 J-Day Award for MAKING THE FIRST "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" PHONE CALL goes to reigning champion ASHLEY DUNN. This year Ashley called me at about 10 minutes after 8, wishing me a happy birthday and even asking how my mom was. In addition, Miss Dunn mailed me a birthday card (via snail mail), sent a "happy birthday" text message, and she also plans to enter a present for consideration in the Lame Game. Talk about going all-out. :)

This year's J-Day Award for COVERING ALL THE BASES goes to my very deserving ex-fiance' WENDY BELL. By "covering all the bases", I mean that Wendy sent a card AND a present and also called to wish me a happy birthday. The card was awesome. The present was a copy of David Bowie's "Reality Tour" DVD (VERY cool). And the phone call was Wendy's usual mix of adoration and derision. Honestly, no one rips on me with the same amount of affection that Wendy does. hehe

The 2005 J-Day Award for MOST UNEXPECTED "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" PHONE CALL goes hands-down to my 9th grade geography teacher, MISTER KNOWLES. Imagine my surprise when I checked my voice mail and heard Mister Knowles' voice - a voice I haven't heard since 1994 - wishing me a happy birthday and telling me how much he still looooooves moon pie. I couldn't believe it. How did he know it was my birthday? How did he get my phone number? And perhaps most baffling of all...why was he calling me from my buddy MIKE LUJAN's phone? *knowing grin, followed by a genuine laugh*

The 2005 J-Day Award for BIRTHDAY WISHES MOST LIKELY TO GET ME IN TROUBLE AT WORK goes to my dear friend MATTHEW "THUG LIFE 4 EVA" COLLINS. Matt sent an e-mail to my work account, and I have to say that it was so perfectly thug-a-licious that I actually had to decipher parts of it before I understood what it was saying. Seriously, this letter has to be seen to be believed. (I'll post it on Tuesday when I get back to work.) Making use of inside jokes ranging from not being able to skate to "dookie cone", Matt had me cracking up laughing all afternoon. Surely my supervisor knew I wasn't getting any work done, the way I was laughing. Oh well. It was my birthday.

The 2005 J-Day Award for the MOST SURPRISINGLY SENTIMENTAL BIRTHDAY PHONE CALL goes to none other than my former radio co-host, R. KEITH ("KEEF") SISSON. Sounding half-drunk as usual, Keef called me up at almost 2 a.m. to tell me he hadn't forgotten about me and that he had (quote) "bunches of love" for me and hopes that this is a good year. It would have been sweet coming from anyone, but from Keef it was nothing short of a damn miracle. You sappy bastard, Keef!...Thanks man.

The 2005 J-Day Award for BEST USE OF AN INSIDE JOKE IN RELATION TO A BIRTHDAY PRESENT goes (not surprisingly) to my friendly-twinly nemesis, CRYSTALYNN "CRYSSIE" BILLINGS (a.k.a. "the girl I took to Disney World.") In a characteristically bold/heartless move, Cryssie sent me a pair of Mickey Mouse ears with my name inscribed on the back of them. Mac can attest that when I opened them up, I immediately stood up and yelled, "Oh, that vicious bitch!!" and then proceeded to laugh hysterically...Just remember, Cryssie: payback's a bitch, and I'm in your wedding. Think about it.

This year's J-Day Award for MOST OFFENSIVELY BAD RENDITION of "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" goes to my poor, tone-deaf mother, CATHY L. WILTZ. Mom never really SINGS "Happy Birthday" so much as she GETS THROUGH "Happy Birthday." But of course she made up for it by giving me her usual "Awwwww, J, 26 years ago you were just being born... and you were so cute, baby. Pop said he was gonna call you Otis, but then he saw you and said, 'No, I can't do that. He's too cute.' And you were, J. You were precious," speech.

The 2005 J-Day Award for GIVING THE GIFT MOST LIKELY TO SHOCK/FRIGHTEN ME IF IT WASN'T SO FUNNY goes to my Chaffe-McCall office-mate, BILL MACDOWELL. For some unknown reason, Bill gave me a paper bag filled with various artifacts, ranging from a can of Pringles to a box of Preparation H. (Oh, the surrealism of it all. I felt like I was getting gifts from Salvador Dali or something.) I tell you, that Bill is a weird guy. Of course, I admire that...all the while backing away from him very very slowly...

The 2005 J-Day Award for BEST RAIN CHECK I'VE EVER BEEN GIVEN goes to my young attorney friend, IVAN RODRIGUEZ. Being a lawyer, Ivan gave me that whole "no, really, I give a shit, how are you?, what are you doing for your birthday?" routine, and when I told him I was planning on hitting Bourbon Street with some friends in June and invited him to come along, he immediately agreed to join the festivities - not forgetting to mention his VIP membership at Rick's Cabaret. Finally!, I thought. That lap dance I mentioned in my last blog entry is closer and closer to becoming a reality. Let's make the myths.

and last but certainly not least...

The 2005 J-Day Award for GIVING THE MOST SPONTANEOUS, SURPRISING, AND RUMOR-INDUCING BIRTHDAY PRESENT OF ALL goes to (who else?) my perfect opposite, ELIZABETH "LIZZIE" HOFFMAN. Leading me to believe she'd completely forgotten about my birthday, Lizzie didn't even mention it until around 3:30 in the afternoon when she asked how I'd feel if she came down to New Orleans from Jackson, arrived around 9:30, hung out, crashed, and then headed out around 5 a.m...Gee, let me think (hehe)...As always, we kept things very simple. Coffee and beignets. Conversation and candles. That early- morning, half-awake bantering that always makes me feel married...And best of all, we didn't even come CLOSE to fighting about anything. (Those of you who've witnessed the grand J/Lizzie spectacle firsthand know what an amazing accomplishment this is...Rhett and Scarlett, anyone?) The obvious questions on everyone's minds are no doubt of the "So, what HAPPENED?" and "Are they or aren't they?" variety. And as always, the answer is a resounding, "WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW?" All I know is, the Lizzie was there for me on the most self-serving of all my self-made holidays. And you know how much importance I place on stuff like that. It's enough to make me want to take her little cousins to the zoo. :) Mwah.

A very special thanks to everyone who helped to make this birthday both special and memorable. I'm blessed to call you my friends and family, and my heart is truly grateful. Thank you and much love.


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