J. Day Countdown, Day 1: Staying Out of the 27 Club

We're only a day away from J.Day now, kids, which means today is my last day to be 27. It's kind of a bittersweet realization.

27, you know, technically places a person in their late-20s, but at least it still has a nice ring to it. 27. "I'm 27." "I can't marry you, baby. I'm only 27. I've still got things to do." "Can you believe he managed to do this when he was only 27?" As of tomorrow, though, I'll be 28, which means I'll move out of my "late 20s" and enter a new category - "almost thirty." I can feel that mid-life crisis coming on strong.

Still, I guess it could be worse. Getting older might be a pisser, but - provided I don't overdose on drugs or kill myself today - at least I didn't join the Forever 27 Club (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forever_27)

This is maybe the most revealing thing you'll ever hear me say, dear readers, so listen closely: the thought of dying doesn't bother me. But the thought of dying without having achieved some kind of fame is my greatest fear. Don't get me wrong - I don't have any desire to be a rock star or win an Academy Award or anything like that. What I'm talking about is cult fame. I'd rather be Chuck Palahniuk than John Grisham. I'd rather be Woody Allen than Steven Spielberg. You get what I'm saying...Yes, I'm following the advice of the beautiful and talented Amy Sedaris (another person whose fame is similar to what I'd like to achieve): "If you're gonna reach for a star, just make sure you reach for the lowest one."

But anyway, it's all about staying alive today, kids. If I can make it to 28, I can make it all the way. Wish me luck, and please don't offer me any hard drugs today.

We're only a day away.

J. Day Countdown, Day 2: Imagine There's Only 2 Days Left 'Til J. Day

John Lennon says: "Only two days left until J. Day."

J. Day Countdown, Day 3: Another Intermission

I doubt very seriously that anyone is paying enough attention to this J. Day countdown to realize that I didn't post anything for days 5 or 4, but, just in case such a person exists, you do have my apologies. I worked all day on Sunday (and did I mention that the work I'm doing is actually a little dangerous?) and yesterday I was pretty much useless all the way around. I'm sure you understand.

Anyway, today is May 22nd, which means the world is officially on Gemini time. (The Gemini lunar cycle runs from May 22nd through June 21st.) And what better way to celebrate this star-crossed event than by taking time out to wish my old friend, Lisa Ann Compton, a happy birthday?

Though our face-to-face time has always been somewhat limited -- I can't remember a single time when she and I have ever hung out, just the two of us -- Lisa and I have a very special bond which can never be broken. What bond is that, you ask? Well, it's the strongest bond there is: We went to elementary school together. It may sound like I'm being facetious when I say that, but in all seriousness, I believe there's something to it.

Over the past few years, you see, I've run into several people from my high school and college days. I'm talking about people I spent virtually every waking moment with just three or four years ago - people I should have a lot to talk about with. But for some reason, the words just wouldn't come. We hemmed and hawed for a while, saying what we could. But, after the "so what have you been up to?" and "how do you think the Rebs will do this season?" small talk was over, awkward silence reigned. We said our quick goodbyes and parted ways, hoping we'd never run into one another again. It's sad but true. The friends you make in those eras of your life are largely situational. You're friends because you're in the same place at the same time (kind of like the people you work with)...But it's the strangest thing. I never have those awkward moments with people I went to elementary school with. Granted, I have more to talk about with some of them than I do with others, but I'm never at a total loss. I never find myself trying to get away from them.

I've given this little phenomenon some thought - why am I more comfortable with people I haven't seen in 17 years than I am with people I just graduated from college with? - and the best explanation I can come up with is that you can't be uncomfortable with the people who know you best. And, whether you realize or not, your elementary school classmates really know you, just like you really know them. You didn't meet them when they were teenagers struggling to find out who they "really are." You didn't meet them in college, where everyone has learned to sculpt their image and make themselves presentable. No, you knew them when they were kids - long before they had any concept of embarrassment or self-control. You have seen them at their unfiltered best and worst. They can't fool you. You know who they are. If you find out that one of them has become a crack addict, you'll say "Well, I could have told you in the third grade that HE was gonna be a crack addict." If someone asks you how one of your elementary school classmates is doing, you might say "I'm not sure what they're up to these days," but you'll never say "I don't know them." Because you do. ...which brings me back to Lisa Compton.

There's usually a period of several years that passes between my various meetings with Lisa. But every time we meet, it's almost guaranteed that she'll say to me in her slow, Southern cadence, "Hey! We were just talking about you the other day. How are your parents doing?" (Lisa, by the way, sounds a lot more Southern than your average Biloxian.) And the conversation will progress from there. I'll ask her about her sister Michelle and her nephew Patrick. She'll ask if Katie is still teaching. I'll ask if she's still doing "the whole biology thing"...and on and on.

But in the back of my mind, I'm always looking at Lisa and remembering this little short girl in a plaid jumper, with a reputation for having a really nasty temper. True story: when 5th grade rolled around, and all of us boys at the BVM started developing hormones and crushes, most of us gravitated towards one of three girls: Lauren Eleuterius, Jody Ellis, or Emily Collins. (I'm a Gemini, so I had a crush on two of them. Try and guess which ones.) But everyone was always quick to mention that they thought Lisa was cute too. Maybe even cuter than the other three. The only problem was that "she's just so mean!"

Yes, Lisa was one of two girls (the other being Kacie Pelaez) whom we all knew to be a little - oh, how can I put this? - hard-edged. And even at that age we understood the dangers posed by such a creature. Whenever we played boys-against-girls dodgeball in P.E., I would intentionally try not to throw anything Lisa's way, for fear that she'd make me pay for it later. If we were the last two standing in a classroom spelling bee, I'd miraculously forget how to spell all kinds of shit. And it wasn't just me. Everybody knew that you just didn't want to go there with Lisa Compton.

I'm remembering all of this with admiration, of course. (If my later years have proven anything, they've proven that I have an uncommon appreciation for difficult females.) And, in her defense, I have to say that I do have one memory of Lisa being extraordinarily kind. One Halloween - this was probably in 3rd grade - we were allowed to wear our costumes to school (a very big deal when you wear a uniform every day.) And for some reason, my mom had this brilliant idea to make my costume that year. So it wasn't really a costume, per se. It was more like two pieces of fabric stitched together with the outline of skeleton bones drawn on the outside. (I was supposed to be a skeleton.) Well, naturally, I got picked on about it, and after our 10:00 recess, I finally took it off altogether. When it came time for 1:00 recess, Lisa was the only one who asked why I wasn't wearing my "costume" anymore. And when I explained that I was embarrassed and tired of being picked on about it, she gave me this strangely mature pep talk about how it didn't matter what anyone else thought about anything. If my mom had made it for me, I should be happy to wear it. Or so Lisa said. And then she commanded me to put it on and go to recess...It was one of my first lessons in individualism.

And it's because of that odd little memory - which Lisa herself can't possibly remember - that I'm devoting this space to her today. It might also explain why she's the only elementary school classmate on my MySpace friends list. I don't know. But anyway, here it is, Lisa. Your moment in this little spotlight. Here's wishing you a happy birthday and a great 28th year of life.

It's been a while, but that doesn't matter. I know you.

And you know (this is a plural "you") that there are only 3 days left until J. Day.

J. Day Countdown, Day 6: Short and Sweet (Happy Birthday Dexter)

Today's Birthday-Related Quote:

"...and I remember my birthdays.
Empty party afternoons won't come back."
- Billy Corgan
"To Forgive"

And now today's message:

Today is Mike's birthday, everyone. Mike - as in Mike Lujan, my friend and drummer of 17 years (man, we're getting old!) I plan on writing a nice, long tribute to him here in the next few days, but it'll have to wait until I can get some good pictures of him uploaded. (I don't have a scanner handy, and all of his pics on MySpace make him look like a serial killer.) Let the record show, though, that I didn't forget to give him a shout-out.

Oh, and Mike. Just for you, here's a nice big AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! :) Happy Birthday, Zmuda.

Going out of town this morning, kids, so I'll make this quick....J. Day is only 6 days away. Prepare accordingly.

J. Day Countdown, Day 7: Intermission in Carmichael's Honor

Today's Birthday-Related Quote:

"A very merry un-birthday to me."
"To who?"
"To me."
"Oh, you."
- from Alice in Wonderland

And now today's message:

My dear readers -

I'm going to take a break from my customary self-indulgence today to send the happiest of birthday wishes to my dear friend and fellow extrovert, Lee Carmichael.

It would be boring for me to go on and on about how many great times Lee and I have shared and how unbelievably cool she is. So, rather than do that, I'm simply going to compile a list of ten fun facts about her. You may get a laugh or two, but I promise you, this won't even begin to capture the essence of the one who is Carmichael.

1. During the very first conversation Lee and I and ever had, she very casually cocked her leg up and let one rip. I have to admit I was kind of shocked, seeing as how most girls take YEARS to get that comfortable with someone. I asked her very plainly, "Did you just fart?" To which she replied, equally plainly, "Well yeah. I mean, I'm not gonna hold it in. That would be stupid."
2. One night in college, while heading out to dinner with Lee and some other friends, I asked the girls if any of them would be willing to indulge me in a parking lot shouting match. (Anyone who's ever been in a college relationship knows the beauty of the parking lot shouting match.) Without hesitating or waiting for any of the other girls to respond, Lee turned to me and started screaming: "What do you WANT, J.? What do you WANT?! It's KILLING me! Do you hear me? It's KILLING ME!!"
3. In perhaps the most dangerous moment I've ever shared with Lee Carmichael, she once picked up my cell phone and started scanning through my list of contacts. When she came to Avery's name, she asked who Avery was, and I told her that Avery is a friend of mine from Long Beach who's reknown for her bad temper. "Really?" Lee asked. "Let's see." She then proceeded to call Avery and say, "Yeah, I just found your name in my boyfriend's phone. And, like, I don't know why you're calling him, but you need to stop, bitch!" Naturally, Avery lost it. But instead of saying she was only kidding, Lee argued right back at her until she finally decided to hang up. "Wow!" she said. "She's really mad!" To this day, Avery has never let me live that down.
4. When auditions were held for the first performance of "Do Not Collect $200" Lee and Kelly (Kelly Barry, whom I also have boundless affection for) decided it might be fun for them to come along with me, dressed in sexy black outfits. This of course led several people in Oxford's theater community to believe I had a small entourage of attractive, devoted lady-friends -- an image which was enhanced when Lee and Kelly came to the play's performance wearing even sexier black outfits. :)
5. I can remember playing racquetball with Lee at the Turner Center and suggesting that we yell obscenities every time we smacked the ball against the wall. Lee, of course, was totally game for the idea, which left the people on the next court wondering why our every move was followed by "Fuck!" or "Damn!"
6. The last time I saw Lee - about a year ago in Dallas - we had an interesting conversation about the way introverts and extroverts are drawn to one another. Both of us, after all - in spite of our considerable extroversion - are inexplicably drawn to quieter, less aggressive people in our relationships. My theory is that extroverts can only work together when they're able to take one another in small doses. (In our most consistent moments, for example, Lee and I only hung out once or twice a week.) Otherwise, they just end up wearing one another out or competing with one another for attention. Lee made it a lot simpler by saying, "Yeah, that's true. But really, I just don't want to date anyone who's more interesting than I am. And plus, if you date a quiet person, there's less chance that they'll be talking to a lot of people and meet someone else." :)
7. Lee does the best Jerri Blank impression I've ever seen anyone do. Of course, she's also one of the few people I know who actually knows who Jerri Blank is. So that's cool too. (I consider Lee sort of my own personal Amy Sedaris.)
8. When Lee and I saw The Notorious Bettie Page together, she became one of only a handful of people who've seen me at my most primal. That movie is 90 minutes worth of black hair, high heels, and physical restraint - Lee spent about 30 of those minutes asking me very sincerely, "Are you okay?" *guilty grin* "It takes all kinds to make a world."
9. One of the first times I can remember Kelly Barry becoming annoyed with me was during a dinner party she threw at her apartment in college. Lee was there, and she and I took it upon ourselves to become the "parents" at the table, making everyone else "the kids" whom we would yell at for putting their elbows on the table or trying to take seconds without eating what they already had on their plates. Eventually, poor Kelly fell completely silent before sighing and saying, "Y'all, I'm too tired for this."
10. The only time I can remember seeing Lee Carmichael quiet was during one of our weekly trips to China Palace in Oxford. I was working at As Seen On TV at the time, and there was a developmentally-disabled guy who would come in almost every day to rent porn. This guy just happened to be outside China Palace that day and he was anxious to talk to Lee and shake her hand. Once he'd gone on his way, I told her, "Hey, you know, that guy comes into the video store almost every day and all he rents is porn." Suddenly Lee got this really panic-stricken look on her face and started staring down at her hands as if they were completely contaminated. Like a bolt of lightning, she took off for the restroom and didn't come back for about 5 minutes. Then, all through lunch she was uncharacteristically quiet, except for the 5 or 6 times she looked at me with pleading eyes and said, "Are you serious? That guy only watches porn?" I laughed at her then like I like about it now. :)

So there you have it. Ten snapshots of my good friend Lee. I took time out of my own birthday countdown to celebrate hers...That should tell you how special she is. (Aaaaawwwwwww!)

Thanks for everything, Lee.

Only one week 'til J.Day, everyone.

J. Day Countdown, Day 8: Art, Food, and Amy Sedaris

Today's Birthday-Related Quote:

"It started with a dedication.
'Lost in admiration - Happy Birthday - I'm forever yours.'"
- Robert Smith
"Strange Attraction"

And now today's message:

Hidey ho there, Wiltzaroos, and welcome once again to the 2007 edition of the annual J. Day Countdown.



During yesterday's installment of the countdown, we took a look at my Amazon.Com Wishlist and discussed various material things which you and your loved ones might purchase for me in honor of my birthday (which, in case you've forgotten, takes place in just 8 days - May 25th.)
Today, however, we're gonna take things in a new direction by discussing gift ideas for the financially-strapped and visually creative.



A lot of my friends, after all, are real artsy-types with a variety of talents. Amanda Nalley is a great photographer. Jen, Lee, Matt, and Victoria do awe-inspiring artwork. Mike is a musical genius. Keith has managed to stay out of jail in spite of numerous breaches of the law...The list goes on and on. And sometimes, as we're all well-aware, creative people don't like to do things in a conventional manner. Doing what's expected of them makes them feel trapped and predictable. The idea of giving someone a card and a gift is downright repugnant to them (in some cases, let's be honest, it's because they're struggling artists and just can't afford it.) So, what are these people supposed to do when J. Day rolls around? Should they just suck it up and break out ye olde debit card in my honor?....Well...Yeah. I mean, that wouldn't KILL them or anything. We ALL have to take one for the team every now and then. But, like anyone who knows what life is all about, I have to say that I do have a very special place in my heart for anyone who takes time to make something for me...Not that I would know very much about that sort of thing. (Watch closely and you'll see some old bitterness start to surface.)



Back in high school, for example, Matt did these really cool, cartoon-style drawings of virtually everyone we know. They were awesome, and I always asked him for copies of them, even if I didn't like the people they were drawings OF. So one day I broke down and asked the obvious question: "So, Matt, when are you gonna draw a picture of ME?" To which Matt responded, "Well, I WANT to, but it's hard, because you don't really have a lot of well-defined facial features. You don't even have any lines in your face." ...I've never really figured out what that means, exactly. All I know is that Matt never drew a picture of me. It's a bit of a sore point. :(



So you can imagine how happy I would be, my dear friends, if you took a little time out and drew a sketch of your very favorite Gemini (that's me.) Oh boy, I can already see the sarcastic drawings I'm gonna get in response to this request. Or, if you're not a visual artist, why not write a song about me, or even a haiku? Why not jot down some blank-verse poetry or do an interpretive dance to a Smashing Pumpkins song? Why not take pictures of things that remind you of me?...The possibilities are truly limitless.



One of my favorite things to receive, by the way, is food - another form of artwork. This is perhaps the only area of my life where I am genuinely Southern. Yes, bring me a casserole or a plate of food covered in tin foil and you'll find yourself the proud owner of a faithful friend for life. (FYI: I have a special predilection for cupcakes.)

I'm also in love with Amy Sedaris (I'm so ready for Shrek the Third tomorrow!), which is good news for you, seeing as how she just HAPPENS to have written a book on throwing great parties and making great food. It's called I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence, and you can find it at your local bookstore.

Buy it. Read it. Rest assured that the combination of food and Amy Sedaris is a source of boundless joy. Then follow the recipes and make me something tasty for J. Day.

And when is J.Day, dear readers?...

May 25th. That's right.

Thanks for reading.

For more info on my future wife and her brilliant book, visit:

http://www.amysedarisrocks.com/ilikeyou.htm

J. Day Countdown, Day 9: Gift Ideas

Today's Birthday Related Quote:

"I thought she'd deserve no less than she'd give
Well happy birthday, her blood's on my hands
It's kind of a shame...'cause I did like that dress."
- Tori Amos
"Yes Anastasia"

And now today's message:

There are only 9 shopping days left until J Day 2007, dear friends, and naturally, that's got a lot of you losing sleep and tearing your hair out at the roots. You're frothing at the mouth and chomping at the bit, because you know what this day means. You know that I rate and reward my friends based on their birthday gift-related creativity and thoughtfulness. You realize that there's more riding on this than a simple "thank you so much, I really enjoyed the pot holders." Simply put, you know it's not the kind of thing you should wait until the last minute to take care of. No, you're smarter than that. You want to get your gift shopping done NOW...And what better way to get started than by taking a look at my Amazon.Com Wishlist?

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/registry.html/ref=wlem-si-html_viewall/102-4174781-3496950?id=PZLU86FQNBGS

Among the items you'll find here are Leonard Cohen's I'm Your Man (DVD) and The Book of Longing (poetry collection).

As you might have guessed, I've become more interested in poetry during the last few months, thanks in no small part to Dr.Schock's course on Romanticism. It's funny. I was sitting in his office one day and the subject turned to contemporary poets. I mentioned Leonard Cohen - whom, by the way, wrote the "Hallelujah" song I've left on so many of your answering machines -and Schock suddenly turned really serious and said, "Oh yeah. He's great, isn't he?"

"Yeah," I said. "I love him."

"Yeah."

And then there was this weird little pause where we both sat in silence, quietly admiring the greatness of Leonard Cohen. You have to love moments like that.

My new interest in poetry also fuels my desire to own both the Outlaw Bible of American Poetry and the Outlaw Bible of American Essays.

I already have the Outlaw Bible of American Literature (best bathroom reading material ever), so I figure I should just go ahead and complete the set.

There are several other items on my Wish List, some of which I'll go into greater detail about in the days ahead. But for now, this should give you a good starting point.

And, lest you forget, the item I want more than anything in the world is a Creature from the Black Lagoon pinball machine. (I realize that might cost a little bit more than most of you are looking to spend on little ole me for my birthday, but, I wanted to toss it out there just in case.)

Thanks for reading, everyone. 9 days and counting...