The 2005 Happy J Day Awards Ceremony

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the 1st Annual J-Day Awards Ceremony. I am your host, J.Wiltz, and tonight is the night when I will bestow various awards upon my friends and family members for the roles they've played in making my 26th birthday celebration (i.e. "J" Day) memorable. I don't want to waste any time, so let's jump right on in there, beginning with...

This year's award for SENDING THE LAMEST E-CARD goes to my uncle, JIMMY LAMAS, for the inexcusably shitty card he sent from 123 Greetings on Wednesday morning. When I clicked on the link to read this particular card, a bunch of letters (as in letters from the alphabet) appeared onscreen playing guitars, drums, etc. At the end of their little song, the letters were arranged to spell "Happy Birthday" and a message saying "Hope Your Birthday ROCKS" materialized beneath them. Pathetic.

The 2005 J-Day Award for MAKING THE FIRST "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" PHONE CALL goes to reigning champion ASHLEY DUNN. This year Ashley called me at about 10 minutes after 8, wishing me a happy birthday and even asking how my mom was. In addition, Miss Dunn mailed me a birthday card (via snail mail), sent a "happy birthday" text message, and she also plans to enter a present for consideration in the Lame Game. Talk about going all-out. :)

This year's J-Day Award for COVERING ALL THE BASES goes to my very deserving ex-fiance' WENDY BELL. By "covering all the bases", I mean that Wendy sent a card AND a present and also called to wish me a happy birthday. The card was awesome. The present was a copy of David Bowie's "Reality Tour" DVD (VERY cool). And the phone call was Wendy's usual mix of adoration and derision. Honestly, no one rips on me with the same amount of affection that Wendy does. hehe

The 2005 J-Day Award for MOST UNEXPECTED "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" PHONE CALL goes hands-down to my 9th grade geography teacher, MISTER KNOWLES. Imagine my surprise when I checked my voice mail and heard Mister Knowles' voice - a voice I haven't heard since 1994 - wishing me a happy birthday and telling me how much he still looooooves moon pie. I couldn't believe it. How did he know it was my birthday? How did he get my phone number? And perhaps most baffling of all...why was he calling me from my buddy MIKE LUJAN's phone? *knowing grin, followed by a genuine laugh*

The 2005 J-Day Award for BIRTHDAY WISHES MOST LIKELY TO GET ME IN TROUBLE AT WORK goes to my dear friend MATTHEW "THUG LIFE 4 EVA" COLLINS. Matt sent an e-mail to my work account, and I have to say that it was so perfectly thug-a-licious that I actually had to decipher parts of it before I understood what it was saying. Seriously, this letter has to be seen to be believed. (I'll post it on Tuesday when I get back to work.) Making use of inside jokes ranging from not being able to skate to "dookie cone", Matt had me cracking up laughing all afternoon. Surely my supervisor knew I wasn't getting any work done, the way I was laughing. Oh well. It was my birthday.

The 2005 J-Day Award for the MOST SURPRISINGLY SENTIMENTAL BIRTHDAY PHONE CALL goes to none other than my former radio co-host, R. KEITH ("KEEF") SISSON. Sounding half-drunk as usual, Keef called me up at almost 2 a.m. to tell me he hadn't forgotten about me and that he had (quote) "bunches of love" for me and hopes that this is a good year. It would have been sweet coming from anyone, but from Keef it was nothing short of a damn miracle. You sappy bastard, Keef!...Thanks man.

The 2005 J-Day Award for BEST USE OF AN INSIDE JOKE IN RELATION TO A BIRTHDAY PRESENT goes (not surprisingly) to my friendly-twinly nemesis, CRYSTALYNN "CRYSSIE" BILLINGS (a.k.a. "the girl I took to Disney World.") In a characteristically bold/heartless move, Cryssie sent me a pair of Mickey Mouse ears with my name inscribed on the back of them. Mac can attest that when I opened them up, I immediately stood up and yelled, "Oh, that vicious bitch!!" and then proceeded to laugh hysterically...Just remember, Cryssie: payback's a bitch, and I'm in your wedding. Think about it.

This year's J-Day Award for MOST OFFENSIVELY BAD RENDITION of "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" goes to my poor, tone-deaf mother, CATHY L. WILTZ. Mom never really SINGS "Happy Birthday" so much as she GETS THROUGH "Happy Birthday." But of course she made up for it by giving me her usual "Awwwww, J, 26 years ago you were just being born... and you were so cute, baby. Pop said he was gonna call you Otis, but then he saw you and said, 'No, I can't do that. He's too cute.' And you were, J. You were precious," speech.

The 2005 J-Day Award for GIVING THE GIFT MOST LIKELY TO SHOCK/FRIGHTEN ME IF IT WASN'T SO FUNNY goes to my Chaffe-McCall office-mate, BILL MACDOWELL. For some unknown reason, Bill gave me a paper bag filled with various artifacts, ranging from a can of Pringles to a box of Preparation H. (Oh, the surrealism of it all. I felt like I was getting gifts from Salvador Dali or something.) I tell you, that Bill is a weird guy. Of course, I admire that...all the while backing away from him very very slowly...

The 2005 J-Day Award for BEST RAIN CHECK I'VE EVER BEEN GIVEN goes to my young attorney friend, IVAN RODRIGUEZ. Being a lawyer, Ivan gave me that whole "no, really, I give a shit, how are you?, what are you doing for your birthday?" routine, and when I told him I was planning on hitting Bourbon Street with some friends in June and invited him to come along, he immediately agreed to join the festivities - not forgetting to mention his VIP membership at Rick's Cabaret. Finally!, I thought. That lap dance I mentioned in my last blog entry is closer and closer to becoming a reality. Let's make the myths.

and last but certainly not least...

The 2005 J-Day Award for GIVING THE MOST SPONTANEOUS, SURPRISING, AND RUMOR-INDUCING BIRTHDAY PRESENT OF ALL goes to (who else?) my perfect opposite, ELIZABETH "LIZZIE" HOFFMAN. Leading me to believe she'd completely forgotten about my birthday, Lizzie didn't even mention it until around 3:30 in the afternoon when she asked how I'd feel if she came down to New Orleans from Jackson, arrived around 9:30, hung out, crashed, and then headed out around 5 a.m...Gee, let me think (hehe)...As always, we kept things very simple. Coffee and beignets. Conversation and candles. That early- morning, half-awake bantering that always makes me feel married...And best of all, we didn't even come CLOSE to fighting about anything. (Those of you who've witnessed the grand J/Lizzie spectacle firsthand know what an amazing accomplishment this is...Rhett and Scarlett, anyone?) The obvious questions on everyone's minds are no doubt of the "So, what HAPPENED?" and "Are they or aren't they?" variety. And as always, the answer is a resounding, "WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW?" All I know is, the Lizzie was there for me on the most self-serving of all my self-made holidays. And you know how much importance I place on stuff like that. It's enough to make me want to take her little cousins to the zoo. :) Mwah.

A very special thanks to everyone who helped to make this birthday both special and memorable. I'm blessed to call you my friends and family, and my heart is truly grateful. Thank you and much love.

26 Things I'm Expecting From My 26th Year of Life

Okay okay, I know. I haven't kept up with the birthday countdown as often as I was supposed to, and as a result I've lost that childish quality which so intrigues/annoys my admirers/detractors. What can I say? It's been a busy week. (I slept for 13 hours last night, if that's any indication of what I've been running on.) Anyway, I've got a little time now, so please allow me this opportunity to compile a list for your easy-reading consumption. It's good to have goals and this is a list of mine as I prepare for my 26th birthday.

Behold, 26 Resolutions and Desires for My 26th Year of Life (In No Particular Order)

(1) I want to go back to school this year in pursuit of my Masters degree in English. I'm currently in the process of registering for classes at U.N.O. and I hope you'll all wish me luck in this endeavor.

(2) I want not only to become enrolled in school again, but to keep my GPA between a 3.5 and a 4.0. Honor roll, if you please.

(3) I want 26 to be the year when I really begin my serious writing. By this time next year I want to have my collection of short stories completed, as well as the script I'm currently working on with Mark Chaney and Sarah Fineout.

(4) Within the next year I want to see "Pink" edited together in the best way possible, pressed to DVD, and selling on an Internet site devoted to yours truly.

(5) By the time I turn 27 I want to be in the best physical condition of my life.

(6) I want to do a lot of travelling this year. Specifically, I want to visit friends whom I haven't seen in a while (Matt, Mike, Dane, etc.) and to be a more visible uncle figure for my "nieces" Eli and Karina. Also, I want this to be the year when I leave the country for the first time.

(7) I want 26 to be the year when I really establish myself financially, putting together an adequate savings and focusing more on the future.

(8) Sort of an addition to #7: I want to have enough money set aside within the next year to take myself to Dublin (Bloomsday) for my 27th birthday.

(9) I want to take up piano and photography this year. Also, I want to start playing guitar and writing songs again. (I think the Brass Tacks are due for that "mature" album that every band eventually releases. hehe)

(10) Somehow, some way, I want to see the White Stripes on tour within the following year.

(11) By this time next year I would like to meet Parker Posey - even if she IS a bitch like everyone says.

(12) I want 26 to be a very sociable year, and by that I mean that I want to spend more time going out and about in New Orleans, going to new places and meeting new people. I feel like I've been hibernating for quite some time.

(13) By the time I turn 27 I want to complete at least five more things on my notorious list of 100 Things to Do In My Lifetime.

(14) I want to fall in love this year - hopelessly, recklessly, passionately. Granted, you can't really prepare yourself for that sort of thing (and you definitely can't do it on purpose), but I can at least be more open to the idea of love this year instead holding myself aloof and taking my pleasure from romantic failure instead of success.

(15) I want to become a better friend/correspondent this year, allowing my best relationships to grow and mature instead of simply using my friends as sounding boards for my various dramas and schemes.

(16) Within the next year I want to read at least one impossibly long novel (Atlas Shrugged, War and Peace, etc.) Any suggestions?

(17) Some of you may not be aware of this, but lately I've been working on a sitcom idea with a couple of friends. I want to stay consistent in this venture and take it as far as it can possibly go. Who knows? Maybe this time next year I'll be working for NBC or something. hehe

(18) Somewhere between now and next May 25th, I want to break up the relationship between Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt (you know, the one they swear they're not having?) No particular reason. I just want to be on TV.

(19) Hopefully 26 will be the year when I FINALLY get a chance to use my very favorite phrase: "FIFTEEN?! I thought she was 36!"

(20) One thing I REALLY want to do this year is stick it to the Man on June 20th when I appear in New Orleans Traffic Court about my broken headlight. No peace! No justice! No peace! No justice! You can believe I'll be listening to Public Enemy on the way to the courthouse.

(21) Though I love everyone I work with very dearly, I really hope to find another job within the next year - one where I can make the most of my natural talents and capabilities.

(22) Given that Cryssie's wedding in October will logically be the last wedding where I'm able to give a speech at the reception, I hope to put together the best wedding reception speech in the history of oral communication - one where people will be laughing through tears all during their standing ovation. Who knows? Maybe I'll even cap it off with a Howard Dean-style scream at the end.

(23) Come Hell or high water, I'm getting a lap dance within the coming year. (My struggle to get a lap dance is really quite monumental. I've hit every speed bump imaginable, ranging from lack of funds to cheap friends to inattentive strippers. Hopefully this year will be different.)

(24) At some point in the next 12 months, I want to start/join some kind of book club...It's lame, I know, but that's the ABCs of me.

(25) I want to expand my cultural horizons this year, becoming more versed in a foreign language and seeing a movie at Canal Place at least once every two weeks.

and finally...

(26) Most importantly, I want to grow spiritually this year. Through faith and prayer, I want to find the path that's meant for me, and I want to learn how to trust that path more and more as I go along this crazy little thing called life.

Yup, it's a lot to ask from a single year, but kicking back don't make it.

My best to everyone. Cheers.

Let's All Play the Lame Game

As far as I can tell, dear friends, the people I know fall into five major categories:

(1) Family - this speaks for itself. Family is family and there's no way around it.

(2) Acquaintances - people I'm only familiar with due to repeated eye contact and/or our need to be in the same place at the same time. The people in my building that I say "hi" to every morning are acquaintances.

(3) Friends - "Friend" is a word I use to describe the people I have a fondness for, but whom I'm not especially close to. I may occasionally hang out with friends - going to a movie or a bar or whatever - but I probably wouldn't be standing in line to donate if they needed a kidney or something.

(4) Enemies and Irritants - without true enemies, you have no true friends. And speaking for myself, my list of enemies is so extensive that I've even broken it down into sub-categories: "Great and Worthy Opponents", "Ideological Opposites", "The Arch Nemesis", "Wastes of Human Flesh", etc.

And then of course, there's most of you - the people who take the time to read my blog even when I don't send out a reminder. Ah yes, glorious Category #5

(5) The People Who Are In On the Joke.

Category 5 people are a very special breed of friends that I really connect with -the ones who just kind of "get it" (whatever "it" might be.) And because those of you whom I hold closest to the soft, chocolate center of my little Tootsie Roll heart understand my need to have a little fun no matter what I'm doing, I'm sure you won't mind at all if I suggest that we all play a game together in honor of my birthday. Yes, for now let's leave the grown-ups in the other room to talk about gold mines, oil wells, shipping, and real estate. Right now it's just us. Now then, here's the game...
As you're well aware, my birthday is only a week away (7 days and counting). So, set your imagination free and let's see who can give me this year's lamest gift. Whether it's a VHS copy of "Gigli" or a Barney doll or, God forbid, a "Do the Urkel!" Board Game (yes, it does really exist), let's see who can really make me say "Oh, you shouldn't have!" Think of it as a scavenger hunt, kids. Go forth, save money, and see what you find. The winner will receive a full write-up here on my blog (hey, it's not much, but who doesn't like to see their name in print?)

...Thumpety Thump Thump...Look at Frosty Skate...

I don't suppose anyone out there in BlogLand will catch the reference I'm making in today's subject heading, so let me go ahead and make it clear: when I was a kid, we had a VHS tape loaded with Christmas cartoons, and one of these cartoons just happened to be an animated version of "Frosty the Snowman". And let me tell you, folks, it was jam-packed with holiday cheer, including this one scene where Frosty goes ice-skating to the tune of this song that went, "Thumpety Thump Thump, Thumpety Thump Thump, Look at Frosty Skate...Thumpety Thump Thump, Thumpety Thump Thump, Making a Figure..." Now, what number should logically follow in this rhyme scheme, boys and girls? 8, right? Well, Frosty was one dumbshit snowman and he ended up doing a Figure 9. But still, you can see how it should have been an 8...And by the way - since we're talking about the number 8 and all - please allow me this opportunity to remind everyone that there are only 8 days to go before "J" Day comes marching across everybody's calendar.
As with a good 85% of all previous J-Days, I will be celebrating this one with my family out at Paul B. Johnson State Park in Hattiesburg (the Six Flags trip I mentioned yesterday will come later.) I must say that I'm really looking forward to it this year. I mean, yeah, I look forward to it every year, but for some reason it's different this time, I guess because it's been too long since I've been able to kick back with "my" people, enjoying the simple pleasure of doing everything and nothing at the same time. Time is like that when we're all together at Paul B. You'll think you've been asleep for hours, only to find out that it's only been a few minutes. Then somebody will run to buy ice up at the boat launch and an hour will go by. Granny always wakes up first, shuffling around the cabin and saying her prayers to herself. Then the drapes get opened and the sun comes in and we watch through half-sleeping eyes as she angrily chases the ducks off the porch with a broom. Jimmy takes his time waking up. He doesn't even put his glasses on before he's had a cup of coffee. Then Ding saunters over from his cabin and says we'll go out in the boat a little later on. Joseph and his friends will water-ski and ride the knee-boards and I'll have to keep an eye out for when they fall. It's always an ordeal to get Joseph back in the boat once he's fallen, which always leads to a war of words between him and Ding. Too funny. There's always chocolate milk in the fridge, which makes me laugh. When I was younger, you see, my mom gave me explicit instructions NOT to drink the chocolate milk, because it was Aunt Carmen's. "She doesn't drink coffee" - how strange. Especially in this family. And one by one, the familiar stories will all get told. Stories about Pop and campers and pliers. Or the time Heidi took off into the trees on a wild duck hunt. Jimmy and I will exaggerate how difficult it was to live together, and Mom will change the subject by commenting on how much we look like one another.
I don't know. I've been reading too much Faulkner. That's why this is reading the way it is. Or maybe that's just how my mind goes when I start getting sentimental. One thought after another. Yeah, that's it. Only eight days now. I'm looking forward to it.

"...somebody leave a light on, just in case...I can remember where I come from." - Tori Amos

9 Days and Counting...

Today, dear readers, is May 16th, which means we are now a mere 9 days away from that most hallowed of occasions. That great colossus among days. That moment in time, celebrated every year on May 25th, which takes its rightful place amongst powers and principalities and the feast of the Venerable Bede. I'm speaking, quite obviously, about "J" Day (i.e. my birthday.) Now, as part of my ongoing campaign to become less annoying/more adult-like, I've decided not to send out my traditional daily reminder e-mails to everyone this year. Instead, I'll simply list my thoughts concerning the upcoming festivities here on my blog. These will appear every day until the 25th, so please check back if you feel so inclined...And I do so hope you feel so inclined.

Starting things off now - I was having lunch with my co-worker cohorts here at Chaffe this afternoon, and it's more or less been decided that this year's birthday will find us returning to Six Flags for a day of fun, followed by a very long night out on Bourbon Street. The way I see it, I'm not just celebrating my birthday: I'm celebrating the completion of my first feature-length film, a year without another heart attack in the family, and the opening of the year that will see me returning to school to begin work on my Masters. So, why not make it big? (You know me. I played a dwarf in "Snow White" when I was 8, but I sure wasn't Bashful*.)
Obviously, my friends, you are all invited to take part in these festivities, but I want to lay down a few ground rules about Six Flags before anybody gets any big, bright ideas:

• This year at Six Flags, all keys, cell phones, change, and/or any other loose articles will be placed in one of those lockers you can rent when we first walk in. This will prevent a recurrence of last year's notorious "Oh shit! I think I just lost my keys!" incident. (Leo Olivier, this means you.)
• Anyone wearing any sort of back brace which isn't supposed to get wet will have the express pleasure of sitting and watching while the rest of us go on the water rides. This, I believe, will prevent the early departure of dear friends whom I don't get to see often enough. :(
• Heckling people who happen to resemble Eminem will not be tolerated this year, though of course it will make for great laughs in our little circle. (Nothing personal, Ash - it was EXTREMELY funny - I just can't risk getting the crap kicked out of me by some little thug for the sake of you getting a few laughs. hehe)
• I am hereby REFUSING (in print and in public) to go on any sort of roller-coaster ride with my older sister, Katie. Love you like a sibling, Katie, but I've got legs and a reputation to protect. (The "legs" comment is in reference to the fact that you dug your nails into my knee last year while screaming and crying for me to "make it stop". Not since the Great Bike Crash of 1988 have my kneecaps taken that kind of punishment.)
• Lastly, "going to church" will not be deemed an acceptable reason to cut out of the Six Flags brewhaha early. Given that all of this is going on over the course of a Saturday and church is open all day on Sunday, there's a perfectly good way to fit everything in. Believe me, God loves a good party.

That's pretty much all I've got for now, kids. Tune in tomorrow when there will only be eight days left to go.

* For 5 points, can anyone name which dwarf I DID play the part of when I was 8?

Look, Everybody, I'm the Annoying Guy Who Wants Everyone to Look at His Pictures!!

As a special Mother's Day gift to everyone, I thought I'd post a few pictures that have been sitting around in my Inbox for a while. They're very random - pics of everything from babies to "Pink" film shoots - but I thought it would be nice to share. I hope everyone is well. Let me close this off with a couple of fun quotes from work:

"You watch me, J. I'm gonna take the razor blade to these bastards." - Denetra Fisher, describing her plans to modify the straps on her sandals.

"He must be French. The French, you know, they don't put up a fight. They just roll over and let you...well, you know." - Tim Horn, speaking with a German accent

The picture on the left is my personal favorite picture from this past week. Congratulations to Pakistan for nabbing al-Queda's #3 man. I hear he's providing all sorts of useful information to his interrogators. And on an entirely different note, does he not "kind of" resemble Giuliano? (Giuliano, you're not a terrorist, are you?)

On a much lighter, non-terrorism-related note, please welcome John Henry "Hank" Berthelot, born April 27th, 2005. Hank belongs to Eric and Betsy, friends of Lizzie's whom I once had the pleasure of meeting. Congratulations, y'all. He's beautiful.

"Oh, you must have been a beautiful baby, you must have been a beautiful child..." The two children in this picture are none other than the notorious Lizzie and her younger brother Jonathan. Two things you should notice here: (1) the 80s-fabulous McDonald's playground equipment (this is back when the playgrounds were cool), and (2) even as a child, Lizzie looked bossy. hehe  

"Oh yeah, you must have been a beautiful baby..." Behold the dynamic between older, disapproving sisters and younger, camera-hogging brothers.

"...Cause, baby, look at you now." Those of you who keep up with the tabloids may be familiar with the "J Spotted In Public With Lizzie" rumors that are currently making the rounds. This picture may lend some creedence to those rumors, but as always we offer NO COMMENT. This picture tells me I should do two things: (1) get to the gym and (2) keep an eye on Karlous. (Look at him, all ready to make his move.)

...and then it happened. Karlous made the move and away she went.  

And if it wasn't enough for him to move in on Lizzie, Karlous had to go after Charity too. This guy has NO shame!!

STEVE! Those of you who went to BHS will be happy to know that I still stay in touch with the one and only Steve Morris. One of the multitudes of bass players to grace the ranks of the Brass Tacks, Steve gives special meaning to those oh-so-special words...you know the ones, Steve-O. Sing 'em with me: "However far away...However long I stay...Whatever words I say..." You know the rest, Mr.Wife and Kids.

Here's Steve's little baby girl, Elise. This little face will now run through my mind every time I listen to Beethoven.  

Here's Steve's son Dale...clean this kid up, Steve!! Child Services is going to be after you.  

My personal favorite of all the pictures Steve recently sent me. Look how candid this is: a father watching his son from behind a drumset. It's the two things Steve loves most - family and music - in one picture. Makes me sentimental.  

Megan and Jessa! Here's some New Orleans girls, working the Ashton Kutcher thing up in Oxford. (This picture was taken just before the cast party...the cast party which, by the way, was busted up by the cops. YEEEEAHHH!)  

The calm before the storm. Here's Jessa with Chris...just before she dumped him four different times.  

Here's Lola: just chilling out between takes.  

Check it out. It's the "Pink" crew that filmed the Lucy scenes. (from left) Chris, Mac, Gregg, Dr.Shollenberger, Jessa, and of course Lola. What a good-looking bunch of people.  

Say it loud and proud, Kelly: I am one sexy bitch! (And judging from this picture, I'd say you're also a yuppie in training...hehe)  

I can't say this for sure, but I think Leo "might" have been a little inebriated when this picture was taken.  

This one too.  

Again, I can't say this for sure...but I don't want to rule out the possibility that Mac was drunk in this picture. One look at that grin and it's clear that he's sloppier than Ewell Brenner.  

Looks like Heather, Amber, and Atrisha all got the "Let's wear light blue and expose our midriffs" memo. The good news about this picture is that they all look stunning. The BAD news is that they were all on their way to see Motley Crue...Shitty taste in music is everyone's problem.  

After losing everything to Karlous, I fled home to New Orleans to be comforted by my friendly roommate/little sister Amber. Amber would never steal anything from me, right?...Hey wait a minute...Isn't that my Tool shirt? 

UH OH! LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME FOR A CRAWFISH BOIL!!! 

Jesse and Jonathan are second to none when it comes to pinching tails and sucking heads. (You can both thank me for the perverse innuendo in this caption over lunch.)  

Is it just me, or does Pandora look like she's just been busted by the cops in this picture? 

Nothing makes Aimee and JoEllen smile like eating the guts out of little dead shellfish. Mmm Mmm Good!