State of the J-Union Address

Well, it's 3:35 a.m. on a Thursday morning, and because I crashed and burned around 8:00 last night I'm now sitting here wide awake with no real desire to do anything truly constructive. It's funny how this works. Every time I'm up this early, I always tell myself that I could go ahead and take a shower, shave, iron my clothes, and be ready to go into work like uber-early. But, I soon decide against that, choosing instead to kick back in bed: reading, writing, dozing off, and watching movies. During the day I might call it procrastination. This early in the morning, though, I call it enjoying my free time. Anyway, there's much ground to cover, so let's jump right in.

Seeing the World Through Pink-Tinted Glasses

First and foremost, I'm happy to report that we officially broke ground this past weekend, filming the first scenes in the long-awaited "Pink". Kelly, Gregg, and I decided it would be beneficial to everyone involved if we started using Fridays as a rehearsal time to make sure everyone knew their lines and how they were supposed to be said. So, on Friday we did just that. And sure enough, our cast was on the ball - lines memorized, ready to go. (Except for Gregg of course, but he's got a lot going on so I let it slide.)
The first scene we filmed featured two characters named Jackie and Unsuspecting Guy (most of the male characters have titles instead of actual names), played to perfection by Mary Bess Pritchett and Mark Christ (pronounced "Krist"). Originally, we were going to film them in front of the Ole Miss Fountain, but the weather was really hazy and we couldn't find any electrical outlets to plug in any lighting equipment, so we had to scratch that idea and move on over to the chapel where we found lots of outlets that actually WORKED. I have to admit that my Catholic-boy sensitivities kicked into high gear at the thought of starting this whole thing at a place of worship, especially considering that the reason we chose the chapel was for its abundance of electrical outlets. "In the beginning," I told Gregg, "God said, 'Let there be lighting.'" It was funny - one of those "you had to be there" kind of laughs.
Saturday night, we did a shorter scene featuring the characters Leisa and Ashley. Now, before I say anything else, I just want to clarify that the name "Leisa" is pronounced exactly the same way as "Lisa". I spelled it with an "e" in the script because that's how a certain heartbreaker back in middle school used to spell her name. ** Mike, Giuliano, Dane - you know who I'm talking about, right? ** No one in the cast or crew had ever seen it spelled like that before. But anyway, Leisa and Ashley, two characters brilliantly portrayed by Annie Gaia and Sara(h) Bynum. We set that scene up like a soap opera. Very nice.
We were supposed to do an outdoor scene on Sunday morning, but it was 20-something degrees outside, so we decided to postpone and sleep in. That afternoon, we shot another scene with Ashley (i.e. Sara(h) Bynum) at the library. The guy who was supposed to do the scene with her didn't show up, though, so I ended up doing it myself. Hopefully we'll get to re-do that one sometime in April, if only because I don't want to come across as one of those "I want to do everything" writer/director/actor/musician/poet/basket-weaver/pottery/painter/intellectual/ Vincent Gallo type-guys. ..Plus, I'm already slated to play Happy Guy in the little sequence that opens the movie, and that part's got me written all over it. hehe
This weekend we go back for more. "I'm so excited. I can't wait to meet you there." Special thanks to Gregg, Kelly, Patrick, the cast, and of course Dr. Shollenberger for making this whole experience so very worthwhile.

A Decade of Black Rage

Yesterday, January 26th, marked a very special anniversary for the Family Wiltz. A family milestone, if you will. Yes, January 26th marked the 10-year anniversary of that fateful day when my mom walked outside to get the newspaper and found a certain stray black dog sitting by our garbage cans. She seemed so sweet and innocent then, so puppy-like and naive. Ten years and ten confirmed kills later, we now know her as Annie - Ruler of Households and Frightener of Sonic Carhops. Most people have those boring dogs that might lick you to death. It's nice to go against the grain and have one that inspires fear and respect. Show some love, y'all. That's my baby-dog and I love her.

Fell in Love With a Girl

As most of you know, I'm not really the type of person who advertises my romantic inclinations to the world. In fact, most of you - let's admit it - are far better acquainted with the stories of what's gone WRONG in my lovelife than with anything that's ever gone right. Few people, if any, are aware of the genuine romantic that lies beneath my veneer of sarcasm and bitter disappointment. No one was watching me that day at work when I was listening to my 4-CD collection of "Ulysses" and actually shed tears at the end of the "Penelope" episode. (My fellow pretentious English majors will say this is contrived, but I'm telling you, if you can read or listen to that last paragraph without feeling SOME kind of emotion you honestly have no heart.) And only a handful of people know that I once went alone to an early-afternoon showing of "Finding Neverland" so I could sit in the theater and cry freely, undisturbed. Yes, there's a heart in this young chest of mine. There is a love in me, raging. A joyous, magical feeling. And for the first time in my life, dear friends, I'm in love and I'm not afraid to say it out loud. Yes, I'm in love with a very special woman. Her name? Parker Posey.
I guess I've always had kind of a thing for her - she was great in Waiting for Guffman and Best in Show ("This is a fish! This is a FISH!!") But oh man, when I signed up for Netflix and finally got around to seeing The House of Yes, I had a sort of "Chariots of Fire"/"Eternal Love"/"Tonight, Tonight" medley going through my head for days. To see her playing a snotty rich girl who's obsessed with Jackie Kennedy was almost more than I could handle, especially in this one scene where she rips on her brother's fiance' for not coming from a wealthy family: "Were you POOR? Did you eat chicken pot pie?" You all know I've got a thing for bitches, and that did it for me.
Since then, I've been trying to find everything she's been in so I can spend as much Q.T. with her as possible. Clockwatchers. Suburbia. Dazed and Confused. A Mighty Wind...Even The Sweetest Thing (** Keith, I stole your copy, by the way. **) Don't worry, I'm not going to stalk her or anything. This is not some desperate cry for help. I'm just telling you, I'm in love with Parker Posey and what we have is real. So, be aware of that.

The Good News and the Bad News at Chaffe-McCall

Okay...work. It's not something I talk about very much, because there's not really very much to say. But, there've been a few noteworthy happenings lately and I want to address them. First the bad news, which is this: my dear friend/mortal enemy Brandalyn is no longer working with Chaffe. This of course is a real pisser, seeing as how Brandy was the first person I met when I started the job and the ONLY person at Chaffe who could fight with me with any kind of real conviction. She and I had this great reputation for not getting along very well, and some people went to great lengths to keep us separated. Few would guess how much respect we truly have for one another. You will be missed, B. I'm pouring a little out for you at every lunch.
The good news pales in comparison, but here it is: in Brandy's absence, I've been given a post on Chaffe's Team Player Committee. It's not a HUGE deal or anything, but we do get to have special meetings behind closed doors, which makes it feel really important. I was telling Meredith yesterday that I'm now "privy to a lot of information that the average Chaffer is unaware of." She said it wasn't that big a deal and that my (quote) "over-estimation of this committee's importance has grown tiresome." hehehe That Meredith. So funny and yet so jealous. The only downside of being on the Team Player Committee is that I can't nominate myself for anything, which is a shame. But, I can't imagine winning the Team Player Award anyway...especially seeing as how I've been dreaming up new and improved ways to get myself fired lately. The way I see it, my tax returns + two weeks severance pay + a paycheck would set me up pretty nicely through April. But, that's another story.

Right now it's time to close this up, so I'm going to go ahead and wish everyone a great day and the best in everything they're working on. Happy belated birthday to all my Aquarius friends, including, but not limited to: Giuliano, Jac, Angela, Jeff, and Vania. Anyone I left out can scold me later.

Much love from the J.

An Article for Y'ALL Magazine

Hello all. This is an article I put together for an upcoming issue of Y'ALL Magazine (www.yall.com). It's about my dad, a Cajun humorist. I think you'll enjoy it...but even if you don't, you should still read it. It would be a shame to let 1200 words go to waste for lack of an audience.

-- J.


The first thing I noticed when Cajun humorist Tommy Joe Breaux opened the door of his Biloxi, MS, home to greet me was that he doesn't look like a Cajun humorist. At least, he doesn't look like a Cajun humorist usually does. A tall, middle-aged man in jeans, a t-shirt, and a Lynyrd Skynyrd baseball cap, Breaux is a far cry from the short-old-man-in-overalls persona popularized by Cajun comic pioneers like Justin Wilson. Looking him over, I came to the conclusion that he resembles nothing so much as a blue-collar American worker. But then, this is fitting, given that Breaux's career as a humorist began while he was working behind the counter of his family's auto parts business.

"The parts store was having a radio remote broadcast," he explained, "and during the course of that remote I ended up telling a few Cajun stories to the two deejays that were working. To my surprise, they approached me when the remote was over and asked if I'd like to join them on their morning show, telling Cajun stories to people driving to work. Naturally, I said yes and everything else just kind of took off from there. That was back in 1984."

Since that initial brush with fate, Breaux has gone on to record fourteen albums, publish two books, make numerous television and radio appearances, release two comedy concert videos, narrate the famous Cajun Night Before Christmas for Pelican Publishing, and serve as chairman of fundraising for the Mississippi Gulf Coast Multiple Sclerosis Society (Breaux himself was diagnosed with the nervous disorder in 1986.) Now, in his latest incarnation, Tommy Joe has begun putting his tales of Breaux Bridge, Louisiana, into the form of a comic strip – "Tommy Joe’s Cajun Corner" – which first saw publication in Biloxi’s Bay Press and is now being
featured right here in the pages of Y’ALL. To aid him in this endeavor, Breaux enlisted the help of Dominicus "Don" Maters, a painter and teacher from the Netherlands who now resides on the Gulf Coast.

"I really enjoy doing this stuff," Maters told me in a phone interview. "Tommy Joe gives me a free hand to draw these characters and express myself. He has lots of stories about women and big-bellied men. I have a lot of fun with those."

Asked if there were any inside jokes to be found in his pen-and-ink drawings, Maters said readers might notice that every wall in the strip has a mouse-hole in it and that the character of T’Bub the Bartender is a self-portrait. "Tommy Joe and I both pop up a lot in those drawings."
Indeed, there are a lot of things popping up in Tommy Joe Breaux’s little corner of the world these days. I sat down with him to learn all about it.

Y’ALL: Tell me, Tommy Joe, how did an auto parts salesman from Biloxi, Mississippi, become so involved with Cajun humor and culture, which is primarily associated with Louisiana?

TJB: I was very close to my grandfather, Gilbert, who was from Breaux Bridge. He and all my great uncles came over to Biloxi to find work in the seafood factories, and I used to night-watch with him and listen to all his stories about life in Breaux Bridge. He and my uncles had Cajun accents you could cut with a knife.

Y’ALL: Speaking of accents, some people may find it difficult to read through your heavily-accented comic strip. Why is it written that way?

TJB: For authenticity. Why write Cajun stories in an English format? It may be hard at first, but most people get the hang of it after reading three or four stories. It was funny. My son studied English in college and he once told me that trying to pick apart my stories was like reading William Faulkner or Mark Twain. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not. I just said thanks.

Y’ALL: Do you feel that being raised in the South had any bearing on the style of your storytelling and writing?

TJB: Definitely. I always tell people that I’m a storyteller or a humorist, but never a comedian. I’m not a one-liner kind of guy. I tell stories, because that’s what people do in the South. You know how it is. In the South, people take five minutes to give you directions to something across the street.

Y’ALL: Do you enjoy any one-liner type comedians?

TJB: Sure. I was really sad when Rodney Dangerfield passed away last year. He and Sam Kinison were two of my favorites. Richard Pryor too. There was a lot of feeling in what they did. They said it like they meant it.

Y’ALL: Those comedians are known for having pretty raunchy senses of humor, but your own work is very clean and family friendly. Why is that?

TJB: Well, one thing that’s very important to me is presenting the Cajun people with an air of respect, and I don’t think I could do that in an X-rated way. Cajuns are very family-oriented people, so I want what I do to be okay for families to listen to together. I also never present Cajun people as stupid, which, sadly, a lot of other humorists have. For me, this is about my grandfather and my great uncles and all those old Cajun people. I approach anything having to do with them with respect.

Y’ALL: It sounds like respect for your family is a big part of what you do. Is that why so many of your characters are based on your family members and friends?

TJB: Absolutely. I base characters on people I know so my listeners can relate them to the people they know. The Breaux Bridge you hear about in my stories is like a Cajun Mayberry, filled with characters that everyone knows.

Y’ALL: Which characters, specifically, are based on real people?

TJB: The bickering husband and wife, Elmo and Marie, are based on my parents, Emile and Helen. My bartender, T’Bub, is named after a friend’s father who passed away before his time. My own name is taken from two of my great uncles, Donoville and Danovile, whose nicknames were Tom and Joe.

Y’ALL: I understand you also have a lot of respect for the Southern rock band Lynyrd Skynyrd.

TJB: (laughs) That’s my band. I have an entire room in the house filled with posters and albums and videos and DVDs and everything you can think of. My wife and kids get embarrassed when they have company over, because I give everyone what they call the Skynyrd Tour where I show off all my stuff.

Y’ALL: So, are you just a really big fan of "Free Bird" and "Sweet Home Alabama"?

TJB: I love all their music, really. And it’s not just the music, it’s the way they haven’t let anything stop them. They’ve been through a plane crash and the loss of friends and drug addiction and all these different things, but they’ve just kept on going, making great music. As a person with a disability (multiple sclerosis), I’m very inspired by that. To just keep on going no matter what’s been put in your way. That’s commendable.

Y’ALL: That’s a lot to take away from a set of entertainers. What do you hope people take away from your storytelling?

Upon being asked this question, Tommy Joe thought for a moment before taking a sip from an oversized coffee cup, smiling, and saying simply, "A good laugh."

Locations and Props

I'm not sure how many of you will actually care about this sort of thing, but for those of you who do, I thought I'd go ahead and post a copy of the locations and props list for Pink. This is a copy-and-paste job, so the spacing may be kind of weird when it appears on the blog.
It's funny, really. When you're working on a script, you just sort of take it for granted that a character will have this, that, or the other. It's only when you're settling into pre-production that you say to yourself, "Oh yeah! We better get one of those." hehe Enjoy. (Special thanks to Patrick Christ - pronounced "Krist" - our new prop-master.)


1. Opening Sequence – Happy Guy and Happy Girl

Location: Biloxi beachfront
Props: None.

(This opening is not necessary for the movie, so we may not film it. If we do, I’ll take care of it myself. It won’t require any funding or props.)

2. Monica

Location: Large home in New Orleans (all of Monica’s scenes will be shot in New Orleans)
Props: Sunglasses, wall decorations, coffee cup, cell phone, apple, pink bowl, microphone, lamp, American flag (a little one that can be waved), letter, large dry erase board, markers, pointer, copy of Ulysses

(I’ll know about the vampire house within the next week. I’m putting together a packet to present to the owners so they’ll know who we are and what we’re doing.)

3. Ashley and David Sequence

Location: Uptown coffee or Coffee Bistro
Props: None, except for coffee cups, etc. provided by the coffee shop

4. David and Leisa Sequence

Location: John D. Williams library
Props: Bookbags (Leisa’s should be pink), textbooks, folders, pen, and a pink highlighter.

5. Ashley and Leisa in Ashley’s Bedroom

Location: a room in a Campus Creek/Sterling-type apartment setting
Props: Portable phone, wall decorations.

6. International Coffee Sequence with Ashley and Leisa (Page 6)
Location: An outside table at Uptown Coffee or Coffee Bistro
Props: Coffee cups

7. Jackie and Unsuspecting Guy

Location: Fountain outside John D. Williams library (daytime)
Props: Bookbag, paperback copy of Queen of the Damned, sunglasses, textbook, pen (pink), scrap of paper

8. Olivia and Ben Sequence

Location: Proud Larry’s? Two Stick would be good for this.
Props: Cell phone

9. Alan and Mia Sequence

Location(s): Keith Sisson’s house (opening) and Old Venice
Props: nice two-seater car, flower arrangement, pink candle or flowers for center of table,
prescription pills.

10. Jennifer Anne and Tony Sequence

Location: Oxford Square Townhouse apartment
Props: movie, popcorn, pink bowl, stuffed animal (dog), portable phone, cell phone, flannel
shirt (Kurt), torn jeans (Kurt), long stringy blonde wig (Kurt).

11. Mary Marie Sequences

Location: Monica’s home, Oxford Square Townhouse-style apartment
Props: flowers, picture on dashboard, table, stuff to knock over (whatever it may be), portable
phone

12. Tiffany and Caleb Sequence

Location: Keith Sisson’s bedroom
Props: King-sized pink sheets/bedspread, matching curtains and tapestries, bunny ears, red
cape, boxer shorts, Vaseline, candles (pink), cd player.

13. Dusty and Megan Sequence

Location: A guy’s apartment (Gregg’s would suffice)
Props: checkbook

14. Cryssie and Exploited Guy Sequence

Location: The sidewalk outside Neilson’s and inside the store as well, a mailbox on the street
somewhere
Props: shopping bags, money, sunglasses, jewelry, necklace, checkbook, credit card statement

15. The Party Scene

Location: A Sterling/Campus Creek-style apartment (2nd or 3rd floor)
Props: wrapped birthday present, Spunky hat (I’ve got it), colored glasses/skater pants/shirt/wallet chain (for Spunky), Happy Birthday banner, cd player, cell phone, Kleenex, assorted beer bottles/alcohol, keg, plastic cups, ice chests, shirt for Neil.

16. Brooke and Preston Sequence

Location: Burgundy Room (first choice) or Beacon
Props: leather-bound planner (Jean-Claude)

17. Heather and Brian Sequence

Location: the running track with the pond
Props: lotion, scrunchee

18. Lucy Break-Up Speeches

Location(s): outdoor picnic table overlooking Lake Pontchartrain in New Orleans, a
restaurant parking lot.
Props: sunglasses, water bottle, birthday hat, rosary.

(My aunt is taking care of the locations for Lucy’s scenes. No need to worry. She’s got friends who own property all over New Orleans.)

19. Jenna Sequences

Location: a bathroom in any apartment will suffice, a guy’s apartment in a Sterling/Campus
Creek-style setting, parking lot outside the old Kroger
Props: make-up bag, sunglasses, four-door car, tire iron, baseball bat, crowbar

20. Mindy and Michael Sequence

Location: A girl’s apartment in a Campus Creek/Sterling-type setting
Props: magazine (Y’all), camera, lingerie make-up, pictures.

A Busy Day to Start a Busy Year

Ah, 'tis a gentle Sunday afternoon here in the Crescent City, and as the Mac and the Munchkin idly sleep their days away, I, J.Wiltz - being the industrious sort of person that I am - have taken it upon myself to see just how much I can get done today. It's only 1:35 as I sit down to update this blog posting, and already I've gotten up, taken a shower, watched my Netflix and gotten them ready to be sent back, changed the headlight and tail-light that were out on my car, gone shopping at Target, made a very important phone call, and gotten a pile of clothes together to take to the laundromat. Later today I'll be doing laundry, finishing the first book in Lemony Snicket's "Series of Unfortunate Events" (gonna need that second one soon, Jonathan, so hurry the uck-fay up), making a list of significant wardrobe items in "Pink", putting together a resume' packet for one of our location holders, getting my hair cut, grabbing lunch, taking Mac to run some errands, and of course going to 5:30 Mass...But before I do all that, dear friends, I wanted to take a little time out to wish all of you a very happy New Year and to send you and yours my absolute best in 2005.

Speaking for myself, I can honestly say that this year has kind of snuck up on me without warning. I'm sure most of you are well-aware by now that I moved to New Orleans during the summer of 2003, and ever since then I've had a pretty difficult time telling one day from another. It's like 2003 and 2004 were one really long, blurry year that's just now coming to a close, and 2005 is what's emerging from the fog. I don't know. Maybe I'm waxing too poetical about it all, but thus far it seems that I've been trying to get to 2005 for quite some time. And here it is.

Why have I been looking forward to this year, you ask? Well, because if I'm not mistaken (and if all goes according to plan), the filming of "Pink" will officially begin sometime within the next couple of weeks. Yes, after a lengthy audition process (and an even LENGTHIER selection process), our entire cast has been put together and is now in the process of learning their lines...or, at least, they BETTER be (hehe). The lead role, for those of you who are curious about such things, ended up going to a model/actress named Christie Jackson, who came to us via a talent agency in Memphis. A real team player, Christie has agreed to dye her hair black and to travel to New Orleans in order to film her scenes. (In my experience with the fairer sex, this kind of cooperation is indeed a very rare thing. hehe Thank you, Christie.)

Sadly, several friends of mine were also cut from the final cast, including my beloved ex-fiancee Wendy and my little sister A.C. With the whole world watching, I want to take the opportunity right here and now to publicly apologize to both of you and to thank you for being so cool about everything when I explained it. I'm also declaring as a matter of public record that the next Apartment 86 film project will feature characters which have been tailor-crafted just for the two of you. So, you may have to wait, but you will not be forgotten. (Especially you, A.C....so don't get any crazy ideas about killing me in my sleep or anything.) *nervous smile*

I think I had more to say, but I don't really remember what it was now. Something about people-watching at Target or something. Nothing that can't wait until later. So for now, merry belated Christmas to anyone I didn't touch base with and, again, my best to everyone in 2005. There's going to be a lot of communication from me this year, so keep those cell phones on, those inboxes empty, and this blog of mine on your list of Favorites.

'Til next time, kids, here's J sending this smile over to all of you.


*J signs off, lighting a candle and observing a moment of silence for the victims of the recent tsunami disaster in south Asia.*